


213 Rules for 9 Vigilantes

by birds89birds



Series: Vigilante Frat House [3]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Deadpool (Movieverse), Jessica Jones (TV), Luke Cage (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Defenders (Marvel TV), Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: But With Vigilantes, Multi, Skippy's List, ok but actually the violence isn't like. Graphic but there's a lot of it so i'm not taking any risks, they make poor choices, they're stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28685664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds89birds/pseuds/birds89birds
Summary: With people such as Wade Wilson and Venom being around, it was obvious there were some ground rules to be set.
Relationships: Eddie Brock & Peter Parker & Venom Symbiote, Eddie Brock & Peter Parker & Venom Symbiote & Wade Wilson, Everyone & Everyone, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson
Series: Vigilante Frat House [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096028
Comments: 6
Kudos: 160





	213 Rules for 9 Vigilantes

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNINGS:** Violence, violence being treated as a joke, death being treated as a joke, mention of pedophiles, alcoholism, dysfunctional relationships, wade-isms, poor choices, one mention of a minor drinking

1.Not allowed to let Matt drive the getaway vehicle.

2.“Rolling down the windows will help his radar” is not a valid excuse to let Matt drive the getaway vehicle.

3.Not allowed to give Peter caffeine.

4.May not give Peter alcohol, even if it is an accident.

5.Not allowed to leave prosthetic eyes in Peter’s backpack.

6.May not blast “Fuck The Police” with a suspiciously procured boombox towards police officers on sight.

7.Not allowed to throw severed hands at criminals.

8.Not even if they belonged to Wade.

9.Encouraging Peter to “go apeshit” at school is prohibited.

10.All dents must be repaired by the dentee.

11.May not convince Matt he got a really ugly facial tattoo when he was drunk the night before.

12.Not allowed to mount bayonets on shared weapons.

13.Not allowed to bite the nose of a criminal.

14.Making bets on how Peter bit someone’s nose through his mask may only be done when Peter is at school.

15.Not allowed to put severed fingers on a plate and proclaim it “finger food”.

16.Not even if they belonged to Wade.

17.Playing Maroon 5’s “One More Night” on repeat is not considered a war crime punishable by death.

18.Nutritional needs is not an acceptable reason to pour chocolate syrup into the only jug of milk in the Casa

19.Stealing Venom and Eddie’s tater tots is punishable by defenestration.

20.Storing coke in the cabinets is prohibited.

21.All cocaine must be stored in the floorboards.

22.Same applies for guns, unless they belong to a visitor.

23.All visitor’s guns must be unloaded and deposited in the cubby by the front door upon entrance.

24.Only one knife per person in the Casa.

25.May not use someone else’s “knife privileges” to have two knives.

26.Not allowed to give the Avengers “blowjob coupons” as thanks for saving New York.

27.Not allowed to smack Peter off of the ceiling with a broom, he’s trying to sleep.

28.Publically calling any slight against self “homophobia” is discouraged, but not prohibited.

29.Publically calling any slight against self “arachnophobia” out of suit is, in fact, prohibited.

30.Not allowed to self-medicate with alcohol.

31.Drinking chocolate syrup straight from the bottle is prohibited around non-vigilantes.

32.May not ask about Peter’s crickets.

33.May not question the giant spider nest Peter has in his closet.

34.May not call the giant spider nest a spider cult.

35.May not throw Eddie into Peter’s spider-closet as a “sacrificial virgin for the spider cult”.

36.Not allowed to systemically torment anti-mutant groups.

37.Not allowed to scare Peter’s aunt, even if she is a bag of dicks.

38.Taking videos of Captain Rogers crying over bananas is prohibited.

39.May not throw knives at Luke to “see if they bounce”.

40.May not use freaky monk powers to win arm-wrestling matches.

41.Not allowed to let Stick leave the Casa unscathed.

42.That man is a real shitface, make it hurt.

43.Not allowed to make Peter the designated driver while drinking.

44.Not allowed to call Peter’s spiders “Spider-Spider”.

45.Natasha Romanoff is not allowed in the Casa outside of injury or world-ending scenarios.

46.May not make eggs with the Captain America shield without Captain Rogers’ permission.

47.Not allowed to baby Peter, he is a teenager, not a child.

48.Wrapping paper must be superhero and/or vigilante themed.

49.Putting Sergeant Barnes' prosthetic in a dishwasher to wash it is prohibited under threat of Death By Peter.

50.Not allowed to make Peter a fake ID so he can buy weapons.

51.Even if he’s buying you it because you’re too busy.

52.May not attempt to fight Frank Castle on sight.

53.May not use “it said on sight and I can’t see” as an excuse to ignore the previous rule.

54.May not make bacon inside the Captain America shield without Captain Rogers’ permission.

55.Pants are required in all shared spaces within the Casa.

56.Harassing police officers is allowed, as long as you are not caught.

57.May not send dick pics to the “adults only” group chat.

58.Peter must have one sober adult with him inside the Casa, unless he is home alone.

59.Cup wafting the cops is not only allowed, but encouraged.

60.Playing frisbee with the shield in the Casa is prohibited.

61.Not allowed to try to kill Tony Stark, he pays for groceries.

62.Not allowed to threaten to kill Tony Stark, even if you don’t mean it. He pays for groceries.

63.Making anything inside the Captain America shield without Captain Rogers' permission is prohibited.

64.Frying plantains is also prohibited.

65.May not use law degree to argue that the vagueness of the rules is a reason to not follow them.

66.May not use someone else’s law degree to argue that the vagueness of the rules is a reason to not follow them.

67.Not allowed to cite “prohibitive depression” as a reason to not put on pants.

68.Not allowed to bang on a pot lid to call Casa meetings.

69.May not call Matt’s costume a “gimp suit”, even if the speaker is right.

70.If you are going to kill a pedophile, make it hurt.

71.Not allowed to wear any strong-smelling fragrances.

72.May not make Captain America Is Disappointed In You faces when someone hides your shield.

73.Not allowed to crush up hard candy to pour into a can of fanta and call it “liquid diabetes”. 

74.May not store anything in “prison pockets”.

75.Must check items whose sudden appearance is suspicious from Wade.

76.Not allowed to cite “It was legal when I was a kid” as a reason to break the law in broad daylight.

77.Not allowed to congratulate Captain Rogers on his Captain America cosplay.

78.Calling self “the reason people have arachnophobia” is badass and should be done as often as possible.

79.May not decapitate self as a Halloween costume.

80.May not decapitate Wade as a Halloween costume.

81.May not use a decapitated criminal’s head as a Halloween costume.

82.May not use own suit as Halloween costume.

83.May not cite “it will throw people off my scent! What vigilante would wear their own suit as a costume?” as an excuse to wear own suit as Halloween costume.

84.May not borrow someone else’s suit as a Halloween costume.

85.May not steal someone else's suit as a Halloween costume.

86.Vigilante costumes that never were and never will be used to fight are suitable Halloween costumes.

87.Not allowed to use law degree to find loopholes in rules.

88.Not allowed to use Celine Dion to wake Eddie up, Venom can do it on his own.

89.Bug jello.

90.Waking Eddie up before his alarms for a nonemergency is punishable by death.

91.Nerve gas is not funny.

92.May not attend more than three protests a week.

93.Not allowed to paste screencaps of Captain Rogers' annoyed faces during interviews on the walls as “improvised wallpaper”.

94.Not allowed to paste screencaps of Captain Rogers' annoyed faces during interviews on the walls.

95.Buying your own merch is ok.

96.Buying your own merch dildo is not ok.

97.“Freeballing” is not a valid battle tactic and a good way to get your dick ripped off.

98.OFF! does not work on teenagers with spider genetics.

99.OFF! works on blind Catholic ninjas.

100.Stop.

101.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “Brooklyn”.

102.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “Popsicle” and “Frosty”, respectively.

103.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “Frito-Lay”.

104.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boys”.

105.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “The Banana Hate Club”.

106.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “Ice Cube” and “Freezer Burn”, respectively.

107.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “Peter’s most responsible fathers”, Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes are not in any way responsible.

108.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “Dorito” and “Frito”, respectively.

109.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “Dumb” and “Dumber”, regardless of order.

110.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “The Propaganda Machine”, it makes Captain Rogers sad.

111.May not refer to Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes as “Guiness” and “Stroyski”, respectively. Sergeant Barnes is not Russian.

112.Jessica is only allowed one bottle of alcohol per visit to the Casa.

113.Stepping out and back into the Casa does not counteract the previous rule.

114.Leaving the building does not counteract rule 112.

115.Jessica is only allowed one bottle of alcohol per visit to the Casa per day.

116.Not allowed to call Foggy Nelson for “legal advice” in the middle of a workday.

117.Not allowed to mention that Peter perceives time as distance.

118.Peter may not call crime lords “sweetcheeks”.

119.Wade may not reward Peter for calling crime lords “sweetcheeks” with sundaes.

120.May not compliment Captain Rogers' tits.

121.Just because Matt is a drama queen doesn’t mean you get to call him that.

122.May not use Captain Rogers' forgettable face as a way to get away with unnecessary crimes.

123.May only bleed on the blood couch.

124.Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125.Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126.Two drink limit does not mean the drink can be as large as you like.

127.Trying things seen in cartoons is forbidden.

128.A jury will not accept “he would not stop playing crazy frog so I had to kill him to survive” as self defense.

129.Using our new knowledge that Peter was a color guard in his marching band is not an excuse to throw rifles at him.

130.Stabbing is an acceptable response to someone insulting your music taste.

131.May not use Eddie as a sacrificial virgin to “summon more cocaine”.

132.Peter does not want cocaine because Peter makes good choices.

133.Peter does not make good choices.

134.Throwing a knife at Peter’s can of Monster Energy is a good response to seeing him drink caffeine.

135.May not let Wade get bitten by a rabid animal.

136.May not let Wade get rabies again.

137.Not allowed to interrupt Venom watching Eurovision.

138.Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes are forbidden from discussing any threesomes they may have had with Howard Stark, unless Tony Stark is present.

139.Not allowed to forget Peter’s hearing is also enhanced.

140.May not dramatically read RPF.

141.May not interrupt Luke and Peter’s book club to dramatically read RPF.

142.Not allowed to question why Peter doesn’t sleep anymore.

143.May not hang up invasive webbing throughout the entire Casa as “surveillance”.

144.Not allowed to hit Peter off of the ceiling, even if he isn’t sleeping.

145.“Sudden-onset arachnophobia” is not a reason to scream whenever Peter walks into a room for an entire day.

146.April Fool’s is banned in the Casa.

147.Do not allow Wade to be in charge of dinner ever.

148.Peter can be bribed with any food.

149.May not allow it to come out that Peter can be bribed with any food.

150.Pizza cannot be consumed as a dinner more than twice a week.

151.Shoving a firecracker in your ass will not make you fly.

152.Furbies are to be destroyed on sight.

153.Convincing small children that Spider-Man was a spider bitten by a radioactive human is prohibited.

154.Convincing small children that Spider-Man covers his face because he is really ugly is not prohibited.

155.Telling small children that Spider-Man eats bugs is not prohibited.

156.Convincing Peter to eat bugs to demonstrate that he does is prohibited.

157.May not allow Eddie and Venom near a chocolate fountain.

158.Not allowed to let Peter in any eating competitions or contests.

159.Not allowed to steal Sergeant Barnes' motor oil to use as lube.

160.May not describe what Wade can do with a box of fruit roll ups.

161.May not demonstrate what Wade can do with a box of fruit roll ups.

162.Not allowed to test how sticky Peter’s face is with guns.

163.Not allowed to test how sticky Peter’s face is with knives.

164.Not allowed to test how sticky Peter’s face is with any kind of weapon.

165.Allowed to test how sticky Peter’s face is with spoons.

166.May not try to mass produce the Josie’s eel drink in the Casa bathtub.

167.May not convince non-vigilante friends to try to mass produce the Josie’s eel drink in the Casa bathtub.

168.Must acknowledge that mass production is inferior to small batch.

169.May not masturbate with a coconut.

170.Not allowed to teach Peter how to roll a joint.

171.May not go to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

172.Not allowed to cuss out a FOX reporter.

173.Not allowed to treat someone to ice cream for cussing out a FOX reporter.

174.May not cite Daredevil as your bisexual awakening when Daredevil is in hearing distance.

175.Not allowed to use eye mutation to scare people.

176.May not refer to Captain Rogers as “Dad”.

177.May not refer to Captain Rogers as “Grandpa”.

178.May not refer to Sergeant Barnes as “Mom”.

179.May not refer to Sergeant Barnes as “Grandma”.

180.Not allowed to be upset about being stabbed when announcing the acquisition of a “mommy kink”.

181.May not put prosthetics in food.

182.Not allowed to announce any kinks.

183.May not question Peter’s tapestries. It’s how he copes.

184.Not allowed to interrupt Captain Rogers when he is screaming about heteronormativity.

185.Not allowed to move Sergeant Barnes when he’s sitting on Captain Rogers’ ass as he is screaming about heteronormativity.

186.Not allowed to refer to your death in other universes as an “aw shucks moment”.

187.Not allowed to refer to your death in other universes as a “mild oopsie”

188.Taking a shit in the middle of the street is not a good way to assert dominance. However, it has been proven to be a phenomenal way to experience what it feels like to be hit by a patrol car firsthand.

189.May not speculate about the penis size of police officers.

190.May not use raccoons as a distraction.

191.May not use any wildlife as a distraction.

192.Not allowed to adhere to nuclear family tropes in our found family fic.

193.Not allowed to put total nonsense on the list.

194.No commentary on the list, leave it on the side.

195.May not steal Peter’s smoke bombs to use to make a dramatic getaway.

196.Not allowed to attempt to use telephone wires as a zipline.

197.There is no way to hip fire a canon.

198.May not adopt the pseudonym “Gooboy”.

199.Not allowed to damage property in a fit of rage.

200.Not allowed to make Matt’s contact on your phone “terrifying catholic ninja”.

201.Tony Stark does not pay for groceries anymore, he is fair game.

202.Danny pays for groceries, you may only lightly maim him.

203.May not take Captain Rogers’ WWII stories seriously unless Sergeant Barnes is able to factcheck.

204.Sergeant Barnes is not fit for non-Captain Rogers contact between the hours of 00:00 and 12:00.

205.Not allowed to sneak a plastic cricket in Peter’s cricket bags.

206.May not train stray dogs to steal guns.

207.Not allowed to fight the Avengers.

208.When Captain Rogers is in his uniform, he is an Avenger, thus, challenging him to a Turkish Oil Wrestling match is disallowed.

209.May not attempt to stick magnets to Sergeant Barnes’ arm. It is not magnetic.

210.Using chestnuts to ward off Peter is prohibited, even if it does work.

211.Attempting to fight Clint Barton on sight is forbidden.

212.Offensive graffiti may only be on police stations or large corporations.

213.Do not try to take a bullet for Luke, even if you'll grow the organ back, that shit's just insulting.

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this as soon as i published the last fic i wrote. inspired by skippy's list.
> 
> normally i'd try to like,,,, space out these sort of things but i need the gratification NOW
> 
> OH also i might mention this in future fics but matt still has his original eyes he just inexplicably has a prosthetic eye he carries around to scare people.
> 
> this is the actual amount on the original Skippy's list


End file.
